if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
