I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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