My liver just broke up with me...
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
