Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
