Need sex. Gaining weight.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
