I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
