I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
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I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
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It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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