Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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