Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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