How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
