We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
