If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize