connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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