The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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