There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She needs sedatives and a leash
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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