I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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