Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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