Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
