did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
