the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
