so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
There r osticjed everywhere
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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