when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
