After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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