I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
