I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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