You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize