this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
