i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
