just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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