Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
