I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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