Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
