I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
