I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
