last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
