well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
