Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
