i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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