Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
OPIZZABONMYDICK
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
