We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
