Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
