Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
