We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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