dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
