I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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