I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
