I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
