You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
