Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
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This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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