Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
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so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
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You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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