can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
