Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
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where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
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I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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