Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
