I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.